A MAJOR LIFE EVENT
Please excuse the long time between my previous, brief news item and the promised expansion of the discussion concerning our meeting with my donor's family. Simply, we are still attempting to fully comprehend all the ramifications, and it just may take a bit longer to fully process. So, I have brilliantly ascertained that it is not fair to you, My Readers, to continue to delay.
I recall clearly the morning of February 9, 2010. I was already well into my daily inpatient routine of French toast, checking email, and doing a bit of reading. My pre-transplant coordinator, Celia , came in the room and simply told me that today was to be the day. I was elated, and started calling with the news, starting of course with Cheryl. I recall feeling excited but surprisingly not frightened. I suppose I had been waiting for this moment for so long that it made me more hopeful than scared.
When Dr. Nancy A., my distinguished kidney surgeon, came in for a brief exam, she told me my donor was a young person. This stopped me cold in my tracks. Never once during the five long years of preparation and waiting did I consciously think about an identity for my donor. When I realized someone had died and perhaps left a grieving family, I was overwhelmed and frankly emotional in my response. Dr. A. was kind enough to pat my shoulder and assure me "It's OK". From that moment I wanted to find out about this unfortunate young man or woman.
The ensuing confusion, wondering, and misinformation have been chronicled elsewhere in past episodes. Not far into 2011 our coordinator at CTDN, Gwenn S. told us that the family was in fact ready for a meeting. Gwenn indicated that the planned date and location would be April 30 at the annual donor family recognition ceremony at Chabot College. Although I was a bit impatient, I accepted the fact. Our concentration turned to my one-year post-transplant anniversary, so we set our sights on April, National Donate Life Month.
THE DAY ARRIVES
The Thursday before the Saturday event, Gwenn asked if our family was "OK with media". Answering for all of us (Leslie, Chris, Linsey, Andy, Cheryl and I), I said "Yes" not really thinking we would be any more that part of a group photograph or general news piece. There would be, I imagined, other family/recipient introductions going on, as well as a well-organized observance of the hard decisions made by grieving families.
Upon arrival at Chabot we were asked to wait at the end of the lobby. We did not know if we were going to be shown to a private room, meet in the lobby, or be ushered into the auditorium. Gwenn showed me a page in the donor remembrance book, giving all of us the first glimpse of my donor's identity....Ruben Bernal. She then gathered us up and took us back outside the front doors where we found ourselves before a virtual crowd of people. They were all looking at me, some smiling, some crying and holding tissues to their eyes. I looked at Cheryl and she was also tearing up. In the center of Ruben's family was a woman in a white sweater, being hugged and comforted by several younger members of the group. This was, in fact, Ruben's mother, Maria.
AN AMAZING ENCOUNTER
I have many impressions, thoughts and emotions about the next moments. Many people, perhaps 25 (we were told there would be 8), immediately introducing themselves to us. They had name tags, we had none, but the recognition of names and the displayed relationship to Ruben were a blur. I saw a row at the back of large guys, several of whom were Ruben's older brothers. Suddenly we noticed after hugging and holding hands with Maria that there was a large group of other people all around us watching our story unfold. Amongst them was a TV cameraman recording the happenings. I then realized this was in fact "the media" focus, and the event was not a matter of happenstance.
My initial flush of happiness about the long-expected meeting was instantly tempered by the sense of loss still being felt by the family over a year after losing Ruben. A microphone with the NBC logo appeared to my right, being held by Mel B. from CTDN. In addition to serving as a human mic stand, Mel joined the translation corps helping us to speak and listen to Maria and Ruben's father, Ruben Sr. The camera operator asked me to be interviewed, which I did after a small microphone was affixed to my lapel. All the while I was in awe of the dreamlike situation unfolding all around us. A young man then came up and asked for yet anther interview, this one for the news group which publishes local papers in several East Bay communities. He scribbled my answers in shorthand in one of those little lined tablets you see reporters and cops using in the movies and on TV.
I found myself addressing Ruben's family, my primary message being profound gratitude for an enormous gift of life. I told them I had literally thought about them every day since my transplant. I further assured them I would be a conscientious steward of Ruben's heart and kidney, and would do everything I could to assure them I would be a grateful and worthy recipient.
Several of Ruben's buddies introduced themselves as well, describing him as "a great guy", "very cool", "the life of the party", and "very funny". They were all amazed and fascinated when Ruben announced he was registering to be an organ and tissue donor. We were all truly touched by the obvious devotion his friends had for him.
THE INTENSITY GROWS
After the entire group was shown to seats in the first two rows of the theater, the Moss/Chaw/Fluken contingent began conversing with the Bernal/Tovar family members while waiting for the official presentation to begin. I was seated behind Alfredo, Ruben's older brother. It was then I learned of the incredibly horrible circumstances of Ruben's death. He and Alfredo were in front of Alfredo's mother-in-law's house in Union City enjoying a late-night barbeque, when gunfire erupted from a passing vehicle. Both brothers were struck. Alfredo managed to drag himself to where Ruben lay, and immediately saw that it was a hopeless situation for his younger brother. Alfredo's first reaction was that he wished he could have been the one mortally injured, then he bid Ruben farewell and a good journey. This was too much for me to process, as you might imagine.
We all watched while dozens of donor families crossed the stage to receive their recognition medals, including the Bernals and Tovars. At the end, we all hugged again and Alfredo mentioned that we should keep in touch and perhaps get together at some point. All of us then departed the event, emotionally drained and struggling to sort out our feelings.
This amazing event took place over the noon hour, so a late lunch/early dinner (aka "Linner") was in order. We all agreed one of our most favored cuisines was in order, so we dined at Casa Orozco. All of us except for Chris, who later told us he was 100% worthless at work that evening after the indescribable experience we had all shared.
As we entered our house, the phone immediately rang. Cherie's sister Robin was on the line, excitedly telling us to turn on the TV to the NBC affiliate. We did so in time to see a commercial end with the reporter introducing a piece about the day's transplant donor family ceremony. We saw ourselves in a group shot, followed by images of us embracing and shaking hands with the Bernals and Tovars. Next was roughly 30 seconds of my funny-looking face, with an answer to one of the cameraman's questions. After the segment we switched to CBS and in a few moments saw a virtual repeat. Again, we were floored.
Sunday morning an article appeared in the news section of our paper entitled The Bridge Between Two Lives. Some editions had a picture of Ruben Sr. and me, others a photo of Linsey, Andy and me, both over the same article. Very soon after the newspaper and TV reports appeared, I received quite a few calls, emails and personal acknowledgements saying that folks had seen them. It all still seemed like a wonderful/tragic story happening to somebody else.
Later in the next week, Kathy at CTDN asked us if we would give telephone interviews to a writer for a group of newspapers in Fremont, Milpitas and San Jose. We did so, and learned that Maria had been interviewed prior our discussion, and had voiced satisfaction with me and my family as good recipients. Again, an incredible feeling for us.
SO, BACK TO THE TRANSPLANT TURNPIKE, ALREADY IN PROGRESS
We have all had several weeks to absorb these moments, and I will tell you that it will be a rather long while until everything is fully sorted. I am told by other recipients that it can and does take time. We look forward to further communication with the family, and joint activities in whatever context seems appropriate. We feel that in many ways our family has increased in size and variety. A very nice thing, to be sure.
Bob/Irv
PS: To see related articles and pictures, go to "Fremont family meets man who received son's donated organs" - Inside Bay Area
www.insidebayarea.com
or Google Ruben Bernal.
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